One Up One Down

A very important day in history, the Supreme Court ruled on Prop8 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)) in CA and the President nominated a Hispanic woman to the Supreme Court (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/27/us/politics/27court.html). There is no shortage of real talk news today. The nomination of nation’s first Hispanic justice, judge Sonia Sotomayor is again attestation for one minority group that the scales will balance eventually, unfortunately the gay community while looking for such attestation themselves were let down by the ruling of the CA Supreme Court to uphold Prop8.

As I deconstruct gay marriage I know that many of you will cringe and curse and maybe refuse to read on but I urge you to read it all with an open mind. You may just see things a little different.

Marriage as defined by the church is the spiritual union of two that become one. In Nigerian tradition, marriage is the union of families as a daughter passes from one family to the other. In either case you still have to go to the local court house to get permission and approval to be married, you know sign the contract of partnership that is witnessed and marked with a state seal. Likewise divorce; regardless of if the church permits or the families agree, without a decree absolute from the court there can be no divorce. Accordingly you have to be married by law for you to enjoy the access and privileged granted by law to married couples. These include tax exemptions, health and death benefits, your say in absence of an advance directive for healthcare etc. These benefits, positive or negative have nothing to do with ones religion or tradition, beliefs or skepticisms. On this point I say, why then should gay couples be denied the right to be married by law? Think about this for a second, the gay community for years has had ceremonies that define their unions as do our religious and traditional ceremonies, all that is being asked for here is the right to be married by law so they to can partake in the benefits that are extended to opposite-sex couples, not to take over your religions or traditions but just to include them in the legal definition of marriage. After all there is supposed to be such a thing as separation of church and state along with all equal under law. The concept of homosexuals being a silent outcaste group in society is fast disappearing even at home in Nigeria. With such inevitable change we have to learn acceptance that change has come and find away to live harmoniously with it all.

As for the courts ruling, I do believe they made the right choice, when people go to the polls to cast their ballot; their word has to be upheld. Right now the majority heterosexual population is opposing based on their religious and cultural persuasions’. The gay community needs to work harder to educate the state on why they are fighting to be married by law. A more focused campaign will hopefully win them victory next time around on the ballot. Maybe even relinquish the term marriage for those that have held it sacred for many many years and let all couples, opposite or same be given a new term to define the contract of partnership that is recognized by the law.

Unless someone can tell me that my church will be required to marry same sex couples I really could care less who moseys down to the local court house to get a marriage license. As we all know marriage is not for the faint hearted.

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Its time to move on

Listen to yourself when your instincts say its time to move on. The guy who is your boyfriend but you are not his girlfriend is not worth the time. I am sure by now you all know my views are pretty liberal, I think is ok in for a girl to call a guy if she likes him because just maybe he doesn’t know she is waiting for his call. Its okay to invite a guy on a date: go see a movie or have dinner together; this is a proactive way of getting to know if you’re really interested in more than just the face. Flirting a little to give him the confidence to walk up to you is always the way to lead him. I can think of countless ways we can initiate the dating process that in the past were seen as inappropriate behavior from a girl. On the flipside when there is zero response from a guy, don’t think twice give it up. It is time to move on as he is not interested or is pleasantly distracted by someone else. Whether it’s prior to dating or after the fact, this always seems to be the choke point for us women. Some of us just don’t know when to give it a rest. We are so emotionally attached to the time we have vested in everything we do. Its kind of like not knowing when to quit a crossword puzzle; you can only read the clues so many times. Here are a few guidelines:

If you only have a his mobile phone number,
If you have been advised not to call him at home
If you don’t know where he lives
If you are never invited to his home
If he can only see you on certain days
If you have to make an appointment to see him
If you cannot show him off in public, including to your friends and his
If he never calls you back
If he never has time to talk to you
If all he wants when he sees you is a shag
If he hasn’t the slightest interest in what you have to say
If he is always unavailable at for those special days – valentine and his birthday
If he is always away for the holidays - Christmas et al.
If he says he doesn’t want the relationship anymore

It is time to move on. You know it in our heart that there is nothing to be had there so believe in you and be strong, move on. It is true that we reap what we sow, so don’t invest your time in a relationship that sits on barren land, we are all worthy of love and joy, God has not reserved it for just a few. And think of this, a husband is not the luck of the draw, he is and will be the man you pick. So force as you may the march down the aisle, the road you will travel thereinafter will be the same. We are infinitely smarter than we give ourselves credit for.

“A man marries a woman hoping she will never change a woman marries a man hoping she can change him” -unknown