A very important day in history, the Supreme Court ruled on Prop8 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)) in CA and the President nominated a Hispanic woman to the Supreme Court (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/27/us/politics/27court.html). There is no shortage of real talk news today. The nomination of nation’s first Hispanic justice, judge Sonia Sotomayor is again attestation for one minority group that the scales will balance eventually, unfortunately the gay community while looking for such attestation themselves were let down by the ruling of the CA Supreme Court to uphold Prop8.
As I deconstruct gay marriage I know that many of you will cringe and curse and maybe refuse to read on but I urge you to read it all with an open mind. You may just see things a little different.
Marriage as defined by the church is the spiritual union of two that become one. In Nigerian tradition, marriage is the union of families as a daughter passes from one family to the other. In either case you still have to go to the local court house to get permission and approval to be married, you know sign the contract of partnership that is witnessed and marked with a state seal. Likewise divorce; regardless of if the church permits or the families agree, without a decree absolute from the court there can be no divorce. Accordingly you have to be married by law for you to enjoy the access and privileged granted by law to married couples. These include tax exemptions, health and death benefits, your say in absence of an advance directive for healthcare etc. These benefits, positive or negative have nothing to do with ones religion or tradition, beliefs or skepticisms. On this point I say, why then should gay couples be denied the right to be married by law? Think about this for a second, the gay community for years has had ceremonies that define their unions as do our religious and traditional ceremonies, all that is being asked for here is the right to be married by law so they to can partake in the benefits that are extended to opposite-sex couples, not to take over your religions or traditions but just to include them in the legal definition of marriage. After all there is supposed to be such a thing as separation of church and state along with all equal under law. The concept of homosexuals being a silent outcaste group in society is fast disappearing even at home in Nigeria. With such inevitable change we have to learn acceptance that change has come and find away to live harmoniously with it all.
As for the courts ruling, I do believe they made the right choice, when people go to the polls to cast their ballot; their word has to be upheld. Right now the majority heterosexual population is opposing based on their religious and cultural persuasions’. The gay community needs to work harder to educate the state on why they are fighting to be married by law. A more focused campaign will hopefully win them victory next time around on the ballot. Maybe even relinquish the term marriage for those that have held it sacred for many many years and let all couples, opposite or same be given a new term to define the contract of partnership that is recognized by the law.
Unless someone can tell me that my church will be required to marry same sex couples I really could care less who moseys down to the local court house to get a marriage license. As we all know marriage is not for the faint hearted.
6/8/09
4/16/09
4/11/09
Its time to move on
Listen to yourself when your instincts say its time to move on. The guy who is your boyfriend but you are not his girlfriend is not worth the time. I am sure by now you all know my views are pretty liberal, I think is ok in for a girl to call a guy if she likes him because just maybe he doesn’t know she is waiting for his call. Its okay to invite a guy on a date: go see a movie or have dinner together; this is a proactive way of getting to know if you’re really interested in more than just the face. Flirting a little to give him the confidence to walk up to you is always the way to lead him. I can think of countless ways we can initiate the dating process that in the past were seen as inappropriate behavior from a girl. On the flipside when there is zero response from a guy, don’t think twice give it up. It is time to move on as he is not interested or is pleasantly distracted by someone else. Whether it’s prior to dating or after the fact, this always seems to be the choke point for us women. Some of us just don’t know when to give it a rest. We are so emotionally attached to the time we have vested in everything we do. Its kind of like not knowing when to quit a crossword puzzle; you can only read the clues so many times. Here are a few guidelines:
If you only have a his mobile phone number,
If you have been advised not to call him at home
If you don’t know where he lives
If you are never invited to his home
If he can only see you on certain days
If you have to make an appointment to see him
If you cannot show him off in public, including to your friends and his
If he never calls you back
If he never has time to talk to you
If all he wants when he sees you is a shag
If he hasn’t the slightest interest in what you have to say
If he is always unavailable at for those special days – valentine and his birthday
If he is always away for the holidays - Christmas et al.
If he says he doesn’t want the relationship anymore
It is time to move on. You know it in our heart that there is nothing to be had there so believe in you and be strong, move on. It is true that we reap what we sow, so don’t invest your time in a relationship that sits on barren land, we are all worthy of love and joy, God has not reserved it for just a few. And think of this, a husband is not the luck of the draw, he is and will be the man you pick. So force as you may the march down the aisle, the road you will travel thereinafter will be the same. We are infinitely smarter than we give ourselves credit for.
“A man marries a woman hoping she will never change a woman marries a man hoping she can change him” -unknown
If you only have a his mobile phone number,
If you have been advised not to call him at home
If you don’t know where he lives
If you are never invited to his home
If he can only see you on certain days
If you have to make an appointment to see him
If you cannot show him off in public, including to your friends and his
If he never calls you back
If he never has time to talk to you
If all he wants when he sees you is a shag
If he hasn’t the slightest interest in what you have to say
If he is always unavailable at for those special days – valentine and his birthday
If he is always away for the holidays - Christmas et al.
If he says he doesn’t want the relationship anymore
It is time to move on. You know it in our heart that there is nothing to be had there so believe in you and be strong, move on. It is true that we reap what we sow, so don’t invest your time in a relationship that sits on barren land, we are all worthy of love and joy, God has not reserved it for just a few. And think of this, a husband is not the luck of the draw, he is and will be the man you pick. So force as you may the march down the aisle, the road you will travel thereinafter will be the same. We are infinitely smarter than we give ourselves credit for.
“A man marries a woman hoping she will never change a woman marries a man hoping she can change him” -unknown
3/27/09
Where have I been? Missing not just from you but from myself too. I had big plans; blog, more readers, more articles, more more more of everything but as life would have it you can only plan for so much and the rest, well thats up to God.
I have had neither time nor mind to write anything constructive in the past months too many things going on and as opposed to over extending myself I decided to let time work it out. So here I am back to get our chat session up again. Its a new year (well it was 3 months ago) and so much has gone on and still going on. Kudos to President Obama, my sons too may be presidents one day. I pray the economy turns for the better under his watch or else I'd be back to square one: trying to convince my sons that a black man can rule LOL. More recently little boy Chris Brown beating up Rihanna, WOW , that was a shocker. Foreclosures, credit crunch, job loss that is all the news today apart from the shooting/murder side track every now and then. And amidst it all our lives have to carry on.
So hello again and visit with me often, I'll make it worth your while.
Cheers
Annie O.
I have had neither time nor mind to write anything constructive in the past months too many things going on and as opposed to over extending myself I decided to let time work it out. So here I am back to get our chat session up again. Its a new year (well it was 3 months ago) and so much has gone on and still going on. Kudos to President Obama, my sons too may be presidents one day. I pray the economy turns for the better under his watch or else I'd be back to square one: trying to convince my sons that a black man can rule LOL. More recently little boy Chris Brown beating up Rihanna, WOW , that was a shocker. Foreclosures, credit crunch, job loss that is all the news today apart from the shooting/murder side track every now and then. And amidst it all our lives have to carry on.
So hello again and visit with me often, I'll make it worth your while.
Cheers
Annie O.
12/27/08
Christmas
A few weeks ago, just as the holidays started my 3 year old said after watching a Christmas themed commercial “mummy I want to go to Christmas” I remember smiling just because it was so cute; what he said. I smiled at him and said “don’t worry baby Christmas is coming here”, “ok” he replied seeming quite content with my answer. I wondered what Christmas meant to him and as the days passed by it was obvious that he had started making the connection, Christmas = presents, after all everyone keeps asking “what do you want from Santa?” Of course I start to worry about how my son thinks of the holidays, I want him to understand that this is the time we celebrate the birth of Jesus, The Son of God.
All this got me thinking, what does Christmas really mean these days? It is the day Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus and it is also the day of giving gift; the grand commercialization of Christmas. So many parents running from pillar to post trying to check off as much as possible from their children’s list to Santa, turning on the extended line of credit if need be; it seems to be the norm. I actually talked to one parent who sees no other way out. I don’t know about that, my oldest is only 3 and all he wanted was ‘present’, so maybe when ‘present’ turn to Nintendo DX or Air Jordans limited edition I’ll change my tune. But for now, I think it is absolutely ludicrous that children today are raised with such a sense of entitlement that parents see not being able to provide these gifts at Christmas as a sign of their inability to be a good parent. What is the worst that would happen to a kid who doesn’t get all they want, I can imagine they will survive; I did! What ever happened to living within ones means? I strongly believe that kids should get gifts for Christmas; you can teach the spirit of giving and sharing which is part of the season’s message. However Parents shouldn’t be breaking the bank to get the gifts, teach from a tender age that giving what you can is always enough and kids will grow up knowing that in whatever they have their parents have done their best. If you decide to keep up with the Jones’ then don’t be mad when the mini-you you have raised always expects and demands more.
I hope you had a Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for The New Year`
All this got me thinking, what does Christmas really mean these days? It is the day Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus and it is also the day of giving gift; the grand commercialization of Christmas. So many parents running from pillar to post trying to check off as much as possible from their children’s list to Santa, turning on the extended line of credit if need be; it seems to be the norm. I actually talked to one parent who sees no other way out. I don’t know about that, my oldest is only 3 and all he wanted was ‘present’, so maybe when ‘present’ turn to Nintendo DX or Air Jordans limited edition I’ll change my tune. But for now, I think it is absolutely ludicrous that children today are raised with such a sense of entitlement that parents see not being able to provide these gifts at Christmas as a sign of their inability to be a good parent. What is the worst that would happen to a kid who doesn’t get all they want, I can imagine they will survive; I did! What ever happened to living within ones means? I strongly believe that kids should get gifts for Christmas; you can teach the spirit of giving and sharing which is part of the season’s message. However Parents shouldn’t be breaking the bank to get the gifts, teach from a tender age that giving what you can is always enough and kids will grow up knowing that in whatever they have their parents have done their best. If you decide to keep up with the Jones’ then don’t be mad when the mini-you you have raised always expects and demands more.
I hope you had a Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for The New Year`
12/13/08
The Man List
As a teenager & in my early 20’s the list of must haves in a man was so long: he had to be tall, handsome, ‘GQesque’, romantic, intelligent, well read, exposed, fit, driven, successful, rich, of course a great lover, a good listener, thoughtful, God fearing & church going and of course he must be madly in love with me. If we all put our lists together I can only imagine how many foolscap sheets we would need. Now many years later when I think of this list I break into a smile knowing that it did not have to be so long, plus finding the perfect fit is the tallest order.
Let’s analyze: things like tall dark and handsome translate into attraction and maybe the attraction will be more than skin deep ergo beautiful girl dates ugly man. Rich and successful vs. thoughtful and caring in my book thoughtful and caring wins every time because anyone can become rich and successful but being thoughtful and caring; either he is or he is not. Many times with list in hand we very quickly eliminate a man because he doesn’t look the part or act the part we created in our dream and many times we date a guy simply because he does, forgetting that more than a resume makes for a good relationship. Not to say we should forget the list completely (we can never do that) but we really should focus on those things that reflect the heart of the man as opposed to those that reflect the size of his ego. Time and time again we have seen and heard of beautiful looking couples that fall apart in no time, I used to wonder how that can be, now I know better. Whereas there is no single answer to that question we do have the responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can to mitigate unfulfilled marriages and the rising divorce rate in our generation. No matter how strong and independent we woman are there is certain comfort and security that arises from knowing that you are loved by your man so remember this next time you are armed with your list.
Let’s analyze: things like tall dark and handsome translate into attraction and maybe the attraction will be more than skin deep ergo beautiful girl dates ugly man. Rich and successful vs. thoughtful and caring in my book thoughtful and caring wins every time because anyone can become rich and successful but being thoughtful and caring; either he is or he is not. Many times with list in hand we very quickly eliminate a man because he doesn’t look the part or act the part we created in our dream and many times we date a guy simply because he does, forgetting that more than a resume makes for a good relationship. Not to say we should forget the list completely (we can never do that) but we really should focus on those things that reflect the heart of the man as opposed to those that reflect the size of his ego. Time and time again we have seen and heard of beautiful looking couples that fall apart in no time, I used to wonder how that can be, now I know better. Whereas there is no single answer to that question we do have the responsibility to ourselves to do the best we can to mitigate unfulfilled marriages and the rising divorce rate in our generation. No matter how strong and independent we woman are there is certain comfort and security that arises from knowing that you are loved by your man so remember this next time you are armed with your list.
12/3/08
The Sins Of The Father
A few weeks ago, I got to chatting with a guy visiting the US from Nigeria, somehow we ended up on a religious topic and I must say he made the most alarming insinuation. I paraphrase: God creates perfection at conception everything after is in the hands of man. For example a drug addict gets pregnant and is blessed with a perfect conception but when that child is born with complications that are a direct result of the mother’s addiction, said complications are on the head of the mother. Though there is logical sense in this analogy his statement spares no circumstance, afterall the bible says “Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me” (Exodus 20:5). This is the very verse his argument is weighted on. Being a Christian liberal, I find more humor in this for I cannot begin to see the sense it makes, I accused him of quoting his pastor and urged him to take the time to think about it for real. This is one of those things about religion that is not black and white as we are sometimes made to think. In my view it is impossible to assume every misfortune or complication that involves a child to be spiritually based; a curse being visited upon the child because of some sin committed by a father or mother. If infact this is the case then shouldn’t all believers be affected afterall we are all sinners. If any church is preaching this then it is wrong and potentially self destructive to the family. For people who are ‘glamoured’ by a pastor will no doubt blame themselves and their forefathers, sparing neither expense nor effort to atone.
Why some women cannot have children, why some children are born deformed, why there are hereditary diseases and genetic mutations that cause complications we may never truly know. What we do know is that science and medicine can explain the cause and the source maybe even the fix and religion will give us faith and strength to get through it all. But the answer to the question “why me?” will always be a mystery and should not be simplified to a sin and a curse.
Why some women cannot have children, why some children are born deformed, why there are hereditary diseases and genetic mutations that cause complications we may never truly know. What we do know is that science and medicine can explain the cause and the source maybe even the fix and religion will give us faith and strength to get through it all. But the answer to the question “why me?” will always be a mystery and should not be simplified to a sin and a curse.
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